And Then There Were Four

Monday was beautiful. Sunny and warm. Ella and I walked around the mall, looking for a comfy dress that we never found, and then took a hike together - her on my back. We'd had a rough few days of her being cranky and sick, and me being cranky and uncomfortable. It was nice to just have some happy "us" time. Especially since it was about to be the last time before our baby came to join us - even though I was resigned to the birth possibly being a week away still.

The night progressed as any other. We put Ella to bed. We had some ice cream and watched a show together. Then went to bed ourselves. I kept waking up to pee and repeatedly had a dream that my baby carrier was tied too tight around my belly, putting pressure on my bladder. (Time: 4:45) Then I had a contraction that was very low and realized my dreams were caused by contractions. I thought about getting up then because of how quick Ella's labor went from that first feeling, but I decided to wait a bit. By the 3rd contraction I had to breathe consciously and felt rectal pressure and knew I should go downstairs and call my midwife since she lives 40 mins away. (Time: 5:06) We decided she should come then and have her assistant - who lives two miles from us - meet her at the house instead of before - really I just couldn't make a decision about people helping me. I was told later that my midwife's husband (who's heard 30+ years of labor calls) said he didn't think I sounded in labor at all. Ha!

Looking back I think I was bordering on transition. After hanging up I started feeling shaky and despondent. I called a midwife-in-training friend and a doula friend - both prayer warriors from a distance - to let them know the midwife had been called. (Time: 5:20) I got a little weepy and said I was scared. My other prayer women were texted as well. I remember Josh came down and we hugged and I said something similar about fear. He said, "We can do this." As I was walking back upstairs, words from my Midwife's book - which I'd just finished reading - ran through my mind. Only I can labor for me. Only I can birth my baby.

I went into the birth room to fold baby clothes - my planned early labor project -and told Josh to "Read a book or something," thinking it'd be a while. I had two contractions while folding the clothes and after the second one said "screw it!" and threw the clothes back in the basket.
Then I had a contraction while on all fours and I couldn't rock through it or find a movement to help. Up until now I had "haaaaa"d through contractions while thinking "huuuuge," but this time I lost my "haaaaa"s and just cried. Josh rubbed my lower back which helped.  I felt rectal pressure and leaned away from it - perhaps unconsciously resisting pushing. After that contraction I just cried for a bit. Facing the inevitable is freaking scary.

Standing seemed like it would feel better and I felt a little wet, so we went to the bathroom. And this is where it all gets crazy. I sat on the toilet and see bloody show - which I'd suspected. Then a contraction came and I stood, leaning over a little, hubby rubbing my back. (Ha, he says "You know it's a short labor when you can recount it by contractions.") After it ended I noticed my mouth tasted gross and asked for a toothbrush and peppermint oil. This is Josh's favorite part of the the whole ordeal because I just zoned out for a minute or so brushing my teeth on the toilet. And man! It was cathartic, calming and energizing. I was thinking "I should do this in between every contraction!" Little did I know this was my breather. (Time: 6:00ish)

The next contraction broke my waters with a little pop and splash into the toilet. I don't recall if this was all one contraction but do recall feeling the head start to descend through my cervix. Well if I wasn't fully dilated baby wouldn't be coming, I thought, and put my hand down for counter pressure. I told josh to run and get a hot compress from the other room. In the mere moments he was gone I felt baby rotate through my cervix and my body made me push in 2 second spurts. The head began crowning into my hand. I needed to be on all fours to minimize possible tearing but just couldn't get down. I leaned forward with the free hand 3 feet over to the wall in front of me for perineal "slack". The ring of fire burned and I melted into it for a moment before my body overtook again. This moment was a combustion of sheer terror and steady courage, utter weakness and absolute strength. All those emotions and all those physical feelings (which I did not have with Ella's birth) rushed through me and I faced them in solidarity. No one can do this for me. Josh came back asking where to put the cloth "On my perineum!" I said - like, duh. What I did not know was that the head had just slipped out with two little sets of fingers folding out under the chin. Like a little bird perched on a branch. A little gurgly cry was let out while the body was still in me. (Time: 6:03ish) I felt the cord was loosely around the neck so kept the head between my legs while the body slipped into Josh's hands, and then unlooped the cord - which had already stopped pulsing. Baby was completely pink, crying, smothered in vernix and we were stunned. Oh my goodness! We just did this! US! Together!

As we started down the hall back to the bedroom we heard our midwife come in the door - just minutes after the birth. (Time: 6:05ish) "We're up here!....With a baby!" "Whaaat?!" she screeched. I laughed, and it still makes me laugh.

I did end up tearing (which had been a fear from the 4th degree with Ella), but it wasn't bad and was able to be stitched at home in my bed...while I held my baby and didn't miss a second.

My midwife laid me down and helped catch the placenta and made sure it was whole. I laid with baby on my chest under a blanket and felt around baby's bum and said "Well, I don't feel any balls!" Josh, of course, already knew it was a girl. I "knew" it'd be a girl :) The midwife then peeked at the baby and "anointed" all our foreheads with vernix. Ella had slept through everything, but I believe she was awake by this point and in daddy's arms. Baby - who was yet unnamed - did the crawl to the breast, latched herself on and stayed that way for an hour. It was beautiful...incredible...amazing!! These God-filled instincts are just phenomenal. The stitching was done. The placenta was analyzed more and photographed. Baby was weighed, 6 pounds 2 ounces (and later measured in at 19" long, 13" head). Then we did the cord burning ceremony to separate baby from her placenta.

Everything this day - other than the birth itself - was slow and methodical, which I really appreciated. The burning took about 30 minutes to complete and was just lovely. Our assistant held incense of sage, cedar wood and lavender to cover up the flesh-burning smell. Josh and I (and our midwife after we switched to hold baby) held beeswax candles on either side of the cord, which gave off a delightful scent of honey. Our midwife held the box I'd made. Our room smelled great the rest of the day.

Shortly thereafter the midwife and her assistant went on with their day and we were left with...normalcy. Josh played with Ella and we ate and I took care of our newest member. An ordinary miracle for sure! It took Ella a little while to warm up to the baby but by the afternoon they were nursing together and Ella was caressing tiny hands and cheeks, giving kisses and hugs, and really just smitten. She would cry if baby lost her latch, "Baby needs baba!" Very sweet and caring, my little big Ella.

The funny thing about my midwife not being there while laboring is that her spirit very much was. Since I'd just finished reading her book filled with birth stories, I knew what she'd say or what she'd do and heard her voice in my head. I told her later that my baby may not have been born into her hands, but her hands were on my heart while birthing.

Our chiropractor came and adjusted baby and I. So wonderful. And then two dear friends came over to help out, which later led to the name inspiration. She'd been nameless until then and in the evening, after they left, Avila Tansy was decided upon. More will be explained in a separate post.

My brother and his family dropped off dinner and I had some sweet time with my sister in law. Cherished moments. So thankful to be near both family and church family this time and celebrate new life in the communion of others.